c_a_r_o_l's Xanga

As we approach the closing of 2009……..

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 09:45:52 GMT

and the start of a new decade....2010.....cant believe its been 10 years since y2k...!!! thinking back when we first entered the year 2000 fretting over the millennium bug...look how far we've come now :o

10 years ago i was still in highschool, living on the gc with grandparents, living in a house, neighbourhood environment, heck i wasnt even 18 HAHAH

10 years on, not only have i graduated from highschool, uni, worked fulltime, moved to brisbane, grandparents no longer by my side, apartment living no more backyard, and also far far from being 18 ><"

as that TVB drama 巾幗梟雄 chai gau says 'how many 10 years do we have in life?"....well there goes one of them!!

Anyhoo its become religious of me to do a blog around this time of year....guess end of year la ma! naturally, its a time of reflection...

flipped back to some old blogs this time last year...and it seems that some inner thoughts and feelings havent changed much...how depressing...havent done much in the year...no improvement whatsoever =.="

to say the least, 2009 for me i have gained some, but i have also lost some...i would like to think i gained some wisdom, developed some meaningful insights, met some wonderful new faces, a horrible looking scar from that stupid PK incident ><" in terms of losses, well i lost my gpa, lost some invaluable gifts from my pure stupidity and i guess to a certain extent, misplaced my true self and genuine happiness?...to name a few....

in summary, 2008 was a year of change for me and it seems that 2009 i have learnt to adapt to it..and going along with the flow....

anywayz personally i feel that 2009 came and go....in fact i dont even know where the year went!! guess coz life has been rather stable/normal perhaps? ofcoz there were the odd obstacles and rough patches that i have overcome but other than that, things have been relatively smooth....thankfully i remained employed and have not been too dependent on anyone. wont consider myself completely independent as i know i am still emotionally weak and vulnerable.

what else is there to comment on? there were highlights as there were lowlights...a lot of unforgettable moments, some painstaking experiences..sweet, sour, bitter, spicy is all complete..

職業上 = going OK I guess, at least i’m meeting their expectations

感情上 = yuen dei darp bow, yau chun bo hoong garn

家庭上 = there is only so much that I can do, I can only do my best to the best of my own ability aka 做好自己本分

personal-wise= 無穿無爛 but Im definitely feeling older

友誼上 = blessed is all I have to say...for all those true friends who have been there through thick and thin

i quote this from one of my earlier blogs which i still feel strongly about:

the pplz who i cared for most, might not be the pplz i care for today

the pplz who cared for me might not necessarily even remember me anymore

..... this is where time has went......

well...wont elaborate further la....but moving along to my personal report card – see see what came of my 2009 year priorities....

1) rightfully pay off mums loan - then i can spend/save accordingly :) - tick, however have not bought my own property as i hoped for

2) ambitiously aim to do 3+ CPA subjs this year and ofcoz, pass it! - tick, only one subject to go and if all goes well, i will be qualified...YAY!!

3) lose 2kgs, preferably more :P - fail, fail, fail, hopelessly failed

4) be more attentive to my mobiles HAHAHHA - i would consider to have ticked this....hehe

5) be able to officially and confidently drive manual - fail..practice is what i need...and maybe a car to practice on HAHHAHA

and to recap the rest of my 'nice to have' resolutions

6) be a happier, healthier and better person

7) i will always be a christian at heart, but i am weak spiritually - this is sth i need to work on

8) sometimes, learn to not take things so seriously

9) need to be more decisive and not be easily influenced by others

10) have a bigger heart, learn to be patient and tolerant especially with family - and prove to them who i am today...

i guess in that personal development sense, it still needs work....i did try but maybe not hard enough....dim dow ho la...i would consider 2009 as being a pretty decent year, not the best but i know it could be worst...no matter what, im hoping 2010 will be a better year....i hope it will take away all my burdens and worries...i just know i could be happier....there are things that need to be dealt with....seeking solutions and making resolutions :)

omg so much rambling again....best to shutup now....

merry christmas everyone*

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 01:40:29 GMT

today would have been grandma's 71st bday

阿婆
生日快樂

好掛住你

dreamt of gma nagging me to wake up this morning coz i was still fast snoozing away after my alarm went off....it felt so real, the call of her voice ><"

felt like i was sleeping back in their bed back in our GC home

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:27:23 GMT

gum yut ho mm hoi sum

ook kei fart sung jor d see, ling dow ngor sum ching ging char

ho tow yim...dim guy wui fart sung hai ngor sun sherng...ngor mm gum sheung surn

dong ngor sau dow din wah, ngor jau gg fart sung meh cc....tsuen bo hai ngor yi liu ji ngoi

yun mm juu, hai myer centre harm.....yun wai jun hai ho larn gor...

mm darn gg hai gum, dim guy yiu bei suet wah ngor tang

dim guy yiu chi sherng ngor yut sung yun jui ging joong geh yun.....ngor yau mm shek gorng yeh, mm shek bin bork....jun hai sik duk harm, ngor d ngarn lui hai gor sum dow lau chuet lai...jo chor gor gor mm hai ngor, darn hai ngor hai yut yeung gum tong

dim guy wui gum.....dim guy lei yiu yut chi yut chi ling ngor sut mong?

chi chi dow wah jui ho yut chi....chi chi dow sau mm dow sing lok....jun hai ho sut mong

ho la, e+ gorng dow wah jun hai jui ho yut chi la....lei bei ngor geh sing lork/bo jing, ngor yau mm sheung yiu...ngor dui lei jun hai sut sai shern sum....ngor kei sut jun hai gang....

farn dow ook kei, jun hai ho down...sik sai ook kei sang dow icecream.....yii wai gum yeung wui ho gor d....sik yuen yao ho hau fui....wai yau lork jor lau har gym chuet d horn....e+ ho d....ho chi fart sit sai lu~

aiiiii gum marn mm lum la...farn jing ngor gun boon mo duk garn

gay jook jo ho zi gei boon fun

Birthday 2009

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:15:36 GMT

So I’ve been meaning to write up this blog a wk or two ago, just never got around to doing it.

Now that any/all sort of bday celebrations have officially drawn to an end, thought its timely to jot a couple words of reflection – for keepsake.

Hmm where to start? Well I celebrated my coming of age over a few dinner gatherings with my closest and dearest, feeling absolutely spoilt and incredibly grateful for everyones attendance. Just when I was soaking up all the love and affection, next thing I know I got whisked away to NZ for the wk for work, travelling by myself again. It was so last minute that I didnt even get to have a proper catchup with those I was meaning to.

No upgrade, going to the same place in a bit under a month wasn’t very exciting anymore. Weather was grey, I was stranded at work/hotel, I had no mobile connection, no internet access, it was horrible!! Worst part is the first night I arrived, had dinner at this hotel resty and across from me was this long table of fds dindin-ing together – and there I was, just me myself and I. They were Asians too so I somehow eavesdropped on their whole convo unwillingly....I did self pity myself at the time ga coz what, a night or two ago I was also surrounded by fds, showered with surprises, bday greetings, wishes, what not…but then it was just me, noone to talk to, vent to, nth to resort to. Reality check.

Moving along though, the purpose of this blog is not to whinge about being lonely, but an entry to express my gratitude and document all the happiness I had over that one day (well ugh wk) in the year where I turned a whole year older. Bday is really like any other day but its the pplz around you who make the day - well different – who make it special, who make it worth the celebration and make you feel aww-ed too (so lost for words)!

Actually for me, I was so overwhelmed that I actually felt bad..coz I really don’t feel I’m deserving of these wonderful pplz around me coz I think I could be a better friend, a better person, I whinge a lot, I complain, I’m boring, I think too much, I worry too much, I can be moody, I also have a stinky bad temper :P but you know what, they’re all still so accepting of me *sniffles* That said, I will always and most certainly treat pplz well and respect pplz, especially if you expect the same treatment in return. Do one to others, have one done to yourself. “Dui yan ho D, yan dow wui dui lei ho D" so I’d like to think maybe coz I’ve at least tried to be nice, then I’m getting the same in return – HA! Its only polite for them to be nice also isn’t it? LOL

I think generally speaking, as you grow older, you are less inclined to do anything – that is my current attitude at the very least (its true – this is what my ‘older’ fds told me once upon a time and I couldn’t agree more)! Besides there really isn’t anything worth celebrating for? I mean gone are those days when you hype over turning 15 you can watch M rated movies….congrats you’re sweet 16, hoorah you’re legally 18, then came 20 no more teens, the big two one, goodbye 22 (no longer falling as 18-22 category)…and I’ll stop counting there…..for me though, it’s a just a good reason to get everyone together seeing noone ever bothers doing anything these days….or just an excuse for everyone to social/mingle lor~

But this year, must say was one of the best bdays yet..very memorable..needless to say, it would’ve been better if my grandparents were still around but im going to try not sob over that…at the end of the day, im just incredibly thankful for everyone who celebrated this year with me...i had (I think) 5 bday cakes, i had surprise delivery flowers from a fd whom I wont consider awfully close which is why I was so taken by surprise coz it was so thoughtful and so sweet…(its always such a nice gesture! Surprises are the best), quality dinner gatherings, Pplz bought me incredibly thoughtful gifts when I expected nothing at all coz my thoughts are as friends, ‘sum jiu la’, no need say, do much. I had pplz come up from GC/chinchilla/sunnycoast to dinner with me.so much ‘face’ leh! Pplz who rmbed my bday from JP, HKG, SYD. Had so much fun clubbing on bday eve – it was really all very positive.

Truthfully though, despite all that put together, I didn’t really feel that it was ‘my’ bday. I treated it more like getting together and spending an awesome time with friends XD Maybe my life has become so mundane, I have a bigger appreciation for anything but the ordinary HAHA

But most importantly are ofcoz the pplz – and their presence. Some new faces, some old. Some pplz who I’ve celebrated 5 years (consecutive) bdays with la, some more and you know what, I consider that very special. We are now at the stage where pplz disperse, some pplz will come and go, we are developing our careers, there is nth to say that these will be the same pplz I’ll see/hang around next year. Afterall life is full of uncertainties.

I think all I’m trying to say is that I feel a very big ‘gum jook’.

Another year older, another year wiser they say. i hope that is the case.

Finally, to all those special pplz, you know who you are, thankyou – words aren’t enough to express my gratitude. I do feel incredibly blessed. Thankyou for putting the ‘happy’ in my happy birthday.

what do i want?

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:31:40 GMT

over the last couple of days, a lot of ppls have asked 'what do i want'...frankly, i dont know...

ofcourse there are always some things that are highly desirable - but it is not sth that they can get for me lor...be it luxury goods, or things of an intangible nature

maybe i should be grateful that there isnt sth im particularly lacking...or put another way, i have all the basics i need...the bare essentials, the necessities....and i should and do feel blessed for that...coz it means im sufficient....and for that reason, ngor gg jook :) and it also proves i aint no shopaholic :P

on the flip side....its these things that make me feel sif life is incomplete, that theres always sth missing...wonder whether there'll be that one day i'll feel that much closer to feeling complete....

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:17:52 GMT

a lot of thoughts going through my mind recently...so much that i dont know where to start blogging, so much that i cant quite decipher and put it to words if that makes any sense at all

i'll try anyway

--> 2009 nearly drawing to a close la, cant say ive achieved much from my new years resolution this year hmmm.....what happened to being healthy? lose weight? learning to drive manual? leaves me one month to do all that? i think not

--> another week gone, another week closer to turning another year older....i rmb quite clearly when other jie jie and gor gors told me they were 23-24-25, id think, wow damn you're old...and what, now im one of them myself ><"

--> dreamt of my grandparents the other night (actually for quite a few nights) and i hated the feeling waking up knowing/realising it was only a dream.....missing them horribly...makes me feel the loss....miss their presence....its another bday without gma and first bday without gpa......its true, yuet dai gor, yuet larn gor

--> also thought about past/present relationships...with fds, family, dating, what not...old and new....maybe coz ive been heartbroken, hurt gor, toong gor and from that pain, im a whole lot more cautious with everything i do now and careful with each step i take...i also try to appreciate what i do have and remind myself not to take things for granted....but at the end of the day, im still vulnerable, so i dont want to make the wrong move....ultimately, my problem stems from uncertainties

--> parents are gambling again...pisses me off...but im getting tired of this recurring problem that i have nth to say about it...but cant help it, it still annoys me tho..and i just know that without me 'asking' or 'saying' anything, they think i dont care or am not concerned....i think ive just become immune....gao la, ho tow yim....

--> househunting is hard....in fact i still wonder should i? given my desire to relocate/leave brisbane is always at the back of mind, maybe i shouldnt commit to such a big investment yet? besides i just dont think theres anything worth 'lau loon' here except for my fds who've been there for me through good and bad...i just dont think i will ever meet the same wonderful pplz in my lifetime coz as corny as it sounds, friendship accumulates....wui mm sher duk....

--> day in day out work work work, still in tax when i know i dont have a passion for it..career wise where do i see myself in 5 years time? heck i got no idea!! will i ever take up the courage/decide to jump out of tax but not know or have no appreciation for anything else?

--> i wonder why i subconsciously think about certain pplz when i know im absolutely insignificant to them now and its not sif they're even going to spare a thought......is it possible to erase those footsteps in my memory lane?

--> havent been sleeping well recently...obviously cant blame jetlag from NZ...then what is it?

think thats enough rambling for tonight

good night

幸福的小女人

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:36:53 GMT

唔喺我

caught up with a good good good highschool friend on msn last night...its been what 3, 4, 5 years since we last spoke or made contact....last i knew was she was studying in melb..in fact i was the one who sent her off to the airport.... last person to say goodbye before she left brissie..eventually lost contact, as you do

anyways to my surprise, shes no longer in melbourne...went back to china...but more importantly, shes married!!! 太幸福啦!! actually shes coming back/visiting next month (for honeymoon im presuming) and she said she wants me to meet 'him'...可惜喺 ive never met this guy, never heard and wasnt there to witness the blossoming of their relationship...but he sure is one lucky guy thats for sure!!

im sooo sooo soo happy for her....thinking back to highschool days, how we'd talk and laugh about growing up....working at sushi mania together...being each others 最佳park dong at work XD the boss loved us!! shes such a lovely girl...tho she was an international student, but that didnt stop her from talking and involving herself..and she'd always thank me for talking to her haha silly..honestly ah, i have to thank her also i mean if it wasnt for her, i would've never picked up mandarin (tho its quite rusty now)..plus she was the one who encouraged me to date my first unofficial bf hahah.....oh the days....funny just thinking back..

but from our brief catchup last night, i can tell that she definitely couldnt be happier...and im just as excited for her....開心到 like a mama watching her child grow LOL

at the same time, i cant help but not have this incy sinking feeling

a) coz ive come to realise ive well and truly entered that stage where friends around me are getting married, having kids, starting families what not (yes its happening!) hai ah..old la...im about to turn 2 zodiac cycles old soon enough too...OMG..

b) makes me wonder, what about me? will i ever be fortunate enough to find myself blissfully in love also? or really, 我嫁唔嫁得出leh~~

lets just say, im 好羨慕, 好妒忌 lor HAHHA

ngor lin lei sheung dui jerng dow mo =.=" gei grey ga~ ngor gei see sin yuu dow ngor gor 真命天子 prince charming?? ding hai e ging yuu jor, zi gei mm gg? ding hai jau jor?!?

dim guy d yan park tor hor yi yuet park yuet ho, yuet park yuet yun ngoi?

i know its hard enough having two individual coming together, sharing the same feel for each other and actually getting sth out of it....jun hai ho larn duk, yiu ho ho jun sik ah!! and marriage needless to say is like wow! sharing the commitment for the rest of your life...to care and be cared for, to love and be loved...to be that one and only special someone for now and forever....

dim dow ho la...im just really genuinely happy for her....lai rui ping (錯啦 should be 劉太太) huge congrats and many happy returns XD

meanwhile i will still keep on hoping and believe in 'happily ever after'...one day, one day i say*

我考完試啦

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:48:36 GMT

no more study for the year....hing soong sai....but still have to wait for results in nov/dec? before there is really sth to celebrate about...really not confident with insolvency aye....yuck! worried ga and scared tim..i dont know how i'll take it if i do fail...it will be a very big dar dik....really ga...its like a fear....genuine fear...theres a lot i get worried about and this is one of them...the fear of disappointing friends, family and myself too...

must admit, its def good to have one thing less to worry about tho hopefully i can put the stress behind me, get more good sleep, relax a bit more, hormones settle so i dont get random breakouts again HAHAH

went out first thing friday to celebrate my newfound freedom (somewhat) fiday night, had a great night until the day after..mm gg leh....gork duk ji gei jun hai yum dor jor..acted and behaved not the usual me...and thats what im annoyed at myself for....i feel like an ass..i feel embarassed, i feel wrong?? i think i get too caught up in the moment and then it makes me feel rude....i become way too carefree, cant self protect (not that way, but like mm sik ji bo), end up trusting pplz around me too easily (and maybe some i shouldnt even trust to start off with - i mean, heck how well do i know the person?) so its all fun and games during the night until you cop the consequences the day after...when you regain some common sense and realise...gzz carol shame on you - would you have really done that if it was the usual you? chances are no...

makes me wonder, why do i allow myself to go through that leh? all in the name of fun? i guess the saying 'under the influence' describes it perfectly (very tip chit)

so yes thats my random thoughts for tonight

moving along tho..i think november will be a busy month with celebrations...bdays..catchups...the lot!! really hope to be hoi sum d and also with for everyone around me to be happy also...hope worries will come and go, problems get resolved, and that we all learn to be stronger to deal with all the challenges ahead of us

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:59:52 GMT

so whilst my motivation is lost with procrastination, i decided nows a good time to drop a quick xanga entry....besides it seems that this has become a religious thing anyway....updating xanga when i should be better off studying..hmm...

havent been up to much these days, prolly been on FB too much for my own good, digging out olddddddddd photos from my photo collection and cant help but laugh and miss the old times...getting out of work has been awesome tho....have really treated this like a mini holiday (minus the fun part) doing a lottttttttttttt of reading (which is sth i dont particularly enjoy)...so much reading that i think my eyes are going to bleed soon HAHAHA

other than that, i consider my lifestyle to be relatively disciplined...so disciplined that i feel im starting to become a tad antisocial....havent really stepped out the house to do anything, see anyone whatsoever....whats even scarier is that even when pplz call/talk to me, i dont even feel like talking back....think ive completely gone into shutdown mode =.=" not sure whether its a good/bad thing, but ive quite enjoyed this personal time and space...that said, there are ofcoz those times i feel so incredibly lonely and frustrated...and dislike these stupid restrictions ive imposed on myself....i'll get over it tho, eventually.

anywayz off with that...dad reminded me its my bday soon...yes..i know >< makes me think, damn wheres my year gone? what have i done with my life? can i not grow up? in fact, can i turn back time...back to primary school days when my grandparents were with me, when i was more naive, when i had not a worry in the world, when i was just genuinely happier, simply because???

now i know we cant change anything from the past, but we can control our future...but realistically, is it possible? why cant we prevent unhappy things from happening? seeing that we can choose how we lead our life, why is it that we still find ourselves being discontent with what we have now? why does it seem that there is always going to be something missing....really makes me wonder, will we ever be blissfully happy?

do you believe in horoscopes?

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:27:47 GMT

on a totally different note though..just did one of those random horoscope quizzes...coz im bored HA! being the saggi girl i am...was curious to see who i am most compatible with? well i always assumed/knew leo's ranked highly...but the results showed this

☆第一名：白羊座
一見面就留下美好的印象。

☆第二名：獅子座
跟他約會是你最快樂的。

☆第三名：雙子座
抵擋不住他的魅力，深深為他著迷。

made me reflect

1) Aries - interesting discovery....indeed there are pplz who have left footprints in my life...and have made that lasting impression...some pplz who i'll never forget

2) Leo - what can I say..ex was one of them....

3) Gemini - captured by the charm...too true too true..

Its funny isnt it....how can it be that your birthmonth can determine your character/personality...i know its only a generalisation but oddly enough, there is always sth we can agree/relate to...whats more interesting is that your birthmonth also analyses who you're most compatible with...not sure about you, but again, i tend to agree on the predictions..so weird so weird.. as i say, sometimes its the more you 'ying zhu', the more real it seems LOL....anywayz...